“It’s beautiful,” wrote my friend Caitlin about my column from two weeks ago, which I’d sent for her opinion. “There’s just one teeny grammatical error I’d correct if you like.” I’ve only known Cait for 27 years, but her English is impeccable, so I asked for her editing. “It’s the subjunctive,” she wrote back, changing one sentence fragment from “By treating my fear as if it is a gnat-sized annoyance” to “as if it were.”
Now, I know from stumbling over the decision of how to write clauses that start with “as if” that I missed the subjunctive in junior high. Maybe I was sick that week. I was sick a lot. But I must have heard about it, because I actually know that it’s supposed to have “were” attached to “it” even though the plural verb tense doesn’t match the singular noun, and moves the idea into the past tense instantly, dissolving the subject’s place in the present. But I don’t know why I’m supposed to use “were” instead of “was” or “is,” and I’ve built up a teensy resentment over the past 50+ years that I’m supposed to do it anyway without understanding why. Two weeks ago when I wrote my column, I think I used “is” instead of “were” as a little explosive device in my silent war against the inconsistencies of English.
So, what is the subjunctive? Wikipedia helped me out a little. “The subjunctive is a grammatical mood found in many languages. Subjunctive forms of verbs are typically used to express various states of unreality such as wish, emotion, possibility, judgment, opinion, obligation, or action that has not yet occurred; the precise situations in which they are used vary from language to language.”
“Various states of unreality.” Did you catch that? I get it now, why “treating my fear as if it
were a gnat-sized annoyance” qualifies.
The fact that “gnat-sized” is unreal is what I was trying to convey. Much more like a cobra most of the time. I stand corrected.
As I’ve thought about it, however, I’ve
discovered that I have a bone to pick with the words “as if.” There’s a pretense inherent in that coupling. For instance, when I say “as if I were
a real person,” it’s like saying that I’m not.
If the truth is that I’m not a real person, why not just say so? See? You
can really get snarled up in that two-word hook “as if.”
Yet it is exactly that pretense that
most of us live with most of the time.
Commercial advertising feeds on the prospect that if we have that
Cadillac or those Madden Girl shoes, it will be as if our lives are (or were)
as successful or carefree as the models in the ads who appear to be really enjoying
life. When we don our gay work apparel
with the corporate logo on the shirt pocket or hat brim, it is as if we are (or
were, when we put it on) happy to be part of that business, to be an important
cog in its wheel. Or at least we are
happy to appear to be happy, or were happy to appear to be happy.
There are places in the work world
where the phrase “as if” gets more insidious.
In a job description for a manager position I saw recently, it said the manager’s
essential function is “to run the day-to-day operations of the facility as if
it was your own personal business.” Forget
the improper verb tense: listen for the
unreality. To work in someone else’s
business as if it were your own is a lofty expectation, but seldom do these
jobs come with the conditions that would make that experience real. A person filling that position must put
themselves in various states of unreality in order to act as if the business
were their own without having the authority to make essential decisions or to
experience the actual costs and benefits of those decisions. Yet the prospect of working in a business “as
if it were your own” is mighty tempting.
I could fall for that one hook, line and sinker.
So, friends, watch out for the
subjunctive. When you hear the words “as
if,” keep your eyes peeled for the pretense.
Maybe it’s just a pretty metaphor, a way of coloring words to deepen
understanding. Or maybe it’s a lure with
fishy bait.
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Trudy
Wischemann is an aging employee with no benefits who also writes. You can send her your favorite subjunctive
treats c/o P.O. Box 1374, Lindsay CA 93247 or leave a
comment below.
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